So last night, I was sat here on my own feeling completely overwhelmed. H was in bed after being off school for 2 days with a chest infection, the dog had been at the vets because shes had sepsis and my partner who’s working away has just been told his trip extended. He’s working away so that maybe, just maybe, we will be able to buy a house one day. 😴
Anyway, I’d only just realised that it’s my first baby’s birthday next week. Next bloody week. I mean she was stillborn so it’s not a normal birthday celebration when your child doesn’t walk this fine earth. Henry wanted to do a party for her but we have settled on making a cake as I don’t want to confuse him too much. It will have been 6 years on the 23rd May, and it just makes me feel completely numb. The build up is always worse than the day itself but I just don’t know what to do. I find myself feeling guilty because I’m not running marathons or holding bake sales to raise money for baby loss charities in her memory, but I just feel so awkward about it. Not awkward about Hope, but just awkward about telling everyone. Like nobody wants to hear about how your baby has died because it makes them feel uncomfortable and they can’t understand why 6 years on you are still so upset. The uncomfortableness on people faces is just too much for me so I only really discuss Hope related things with the people closest to me.
Now I need to face going food shopping with a poorly 5 year old who is currently refusing to remove a dog lead that he has attached to his bloody dressing gown because he is is a real dog and needs to be walked…